“Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!”

“I tried to catch some fog, but I mist!”

“My friends think I’m a microwave because I always go ding when I’m done!”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes; she gave me a big hug!”

“I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me!”

“I asked my dog what’s two minus two, and he said nothing. That’s when I knew he wasn’t a math whiz!”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

“I used to play piano by ear, but now my neighbors just scream!”

“My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, ‘Sure, I’ll bring my cape!'”

“I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that’s nuts!”

“I went to a seafood disco once, and pulled a mussel!”

“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!”

“The rounds in the boxing ring kept talking about their issues – they really needed to sort out their cirque-issues!”

“Bread goes in, toast comes out. Where does the bread go? That’s the toast of the town!”

“I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes; she gave me a big hug!”

“I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu!”

“Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!”

“I was going to tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it yet!”

“I accidentally swallowed some food coloring; now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside!”

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward!”

“I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it just ended up being a waist of time!”

“I own a pencil that was once owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I have a lot of lead-in his pencil!”

“Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two-tired!”

“I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough!”

“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!”