“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”

“Life is like a roller coaster. Just when you think you’ve figured it out, it changes direction.”

“I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.'”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”

“Life is too short to be taken seriously. Laugh whenever you can.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”

“Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.”

“I always wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.”

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“When life gives you lemons, make margaritas.”

“I was going to make a pun about sodium, but I thought, Na.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to investigate gravity.”

“Life is short. Buy the shoes, eat the cake, take the trip!”

“The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.”

“Don’t worry about what people think of you because most of the time, they aren’t thinking of you at all.”

“I always dream of being a millionaire, just like my parents.”

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, right?”

“Nobody is perfect. I am nobody.”

“If you think nobody cares, try missing a payment.”

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

“I asked the bank teller to check my balance. She pushed me.”