COMEDY CHRISTMAS QUOTES

“Christmas is the time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Santa Claus.” – Unknown

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying ‘Toys not included’.” – Bernard Manning

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White

“Christmas is the time when everyone wants their past forgotten and their present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

“The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” – Julius Sharpe

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Will Ferrell in Elf

“Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge

“Santa Claus wears a red suit because he’s a communist. And a beard and long hair like Jesus.” – Dana Carvey

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.” – Henny Youngman

“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a house after a toddler has opened a present, but it’s like watching a vulture discover its first fresh kill.” – Jon Stewart

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included.” – Unknown

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry

“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.” – Unknown

“The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants.” – John Andrew Holmes

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips

“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” – Matt Groening

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White