“You’re about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.” – Malcolm Tucker

“I’m the fucking terminator, mate.” – Malcolm Tucker

“You’re about as much use as a marzipan dildo.” – Malcolm Tucker

“It’s like having a lion at the door with no trousers on.” – Malcolm Tucker

“I’m the office fucking caliphate now, motherfucker!” – Malcolm Tucker

“I’m sweating like a paedo in a playground.” – Malcolm Tucker

“You’re part of my kitchen cabinet, which means you’re one of my idiots.” – Malcolm Tucker

“For god’s sake, it’s from the prime minister’s own people! It’s like getting hate mail from Gandhi!” – Malcolm Tucker

“Do I look like someone who gives a fuck about what you care about?” – Malcolm Tucker

“I’ve got a Persian girl outside who wants to watch her husband’s execution. Are you coming?” – Malcolm Tucker

“If you’re going to walk down the street looking like a giant duck, it’s all right, but this is the House of Commons.” – Malcolm Tucker

“You are a fucking omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fuck up.” – Malcom Tucker

“I’m sorry I fucked your life up, I had limited resources.” – Malcolm Tucker

“Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.” – Malcolm Tucker

“I am the fucking Hoover Dam of rectitude!” – Malcolm Tucker

“Look at you, with your little council school envy, God help us! They don’t give a fuck about you, Malcolm, they don’t wish they were you!” – Peter Mannion

“You’re so incompetent that it’s a miracle you haven’t turned up to work with an actual fuckin’ snake in your hand!” – Malcolm Tucker

“Oh, so he’s back, the world’s most dangerous man, and time’s up for douchebags everywhere.” – Malcolm Tucker

“I walk into a room and everyone wants to fuck me.” – Malcolm Tucker

“I’m sorry, but this is government. You think they can manage to go from A to B without stuffing everybody’s mothers along the way!” – Malcolm Tucker

“We’re all in the same shit canoe, sailing towards the same shit waterfall.” – Malcolm Tucker

“It’s like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. It doesn’t do the job, and it makes a fucking mess.” – Malcolm Tucker

“Smell my cheese, you mother!” – Malcolm Tucker

“This person wants to put YOU in the Room 10 The horror, the horror.” – Malcolm Tucker

“We’re turning into an ‘omnishambles’; that’s like a regular ‘omnishambles’ but with ketchup.” – Malcolm Tucker