“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then, I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“If we were meant to stay in one place, we would have roots instead of feet.” – Rachel Wolchin

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” – Unknown

“You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.” – Unknown

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.” – Coco Chanel

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“If you think I’m crazy now, wait till we’re alone in an elevator.” – Unknown

“Life is short. Eat the cake.” – Unknown

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“I got 99 problems, but my lashes ain’t one.” – Unknown

“If someone tells you “you can’t”, turn around and say “watch me.”” – Unknown

“I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.” – Unknown

“Life is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but it’s best enjoyed when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.” – Unknown

“Trust me, you can dance.” – Vodka

“Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” – Unknown